What do you think of this poem?

I need all comments as long as they are not rude. If you like it, tell me how much you like it an what is so good about it. If you don’t like it, please tell me why and what I can do to make it better. Just don’t tell me how bad it is; that doesn’t help anyone. Thanks, here it is (NO COPYING).

Through the Jade Maze

A slight right turn does the trick,
And off the trail I walk to you.
Through the jade maze of trees so thick
I seek the place only I know is true:
A luscious green meadow with flowers to pick.

Onward I walk in this forest of vines
Just to find my magic place.
Deep within the pitch black I find
The meadow, crashing waterfall, and wide open space;
The space I am proud to call mine.

I take in the smell of pure air here.
You cannot get that in the city.
The loud, aqua water fill me with fear
And detachment from earth, yet also pity.
For I know this is not how it will always appear

Thanks for reading. Comment………NOW!!!

Interesting rhyme scheme – - though it seems you didn’t try to stick to One Kind of meter… the poem could be strengthened if it was made to do that.

I like the idea of the “Jade Maze”, a bewildering forest we wander through, seeking something, as in life… it sounds as though you are seeking a place of inner peace, or of identity that you can call Your Own. But if that’s true, then why does L2 talk of walking toward a “you” person who is not mentioned again in the poem?

“aqua water” is redundant. If you are filled with pity, it is self-pity, which is less than admirable… better to say that “it is a pity” or something. I am left with questions about what “detachment from Earth” means… does this mean from the world, or from land (if you’re in the water instead of just hearing it)?

Your last line throws an interesting twist into the overall mood of the poem.

Overall – a good write.

Back to My Roots (+miniquest)